Chances are, your perception of me is wrong...

I am not a walking contradiction in the standard, “I want to be different” kind of way. I do have certain contradictory ideas… for example, I 100% believe that the federal government should fully sponsor education and that everybody under the age of 18 should have free healthcare, but my views on welfare are considerably more conservative (an argument for another time). I think non-violent criminals (drugs addicts, etc.) should not be put in jail, but I don’t think that the conditions in US prisons are bad: these guys did crimes, and they don’t deserve to have access to a weight room and a big screen TV. I believe that voting is an obligation, but I have trouble condemning people who don’t vote because I generally believe that the system has failed them. I don’t think our financial crisis can be completely blamed on banks or lending companies; yes, they were greedy, but that is no excuse for people to be complete morons. I want a reward for paying my taxes and my loans appropriately, instead of having the government reward people for poor judgment (also an argument for another time…). And so on.

But I do seem to confuse people. I don’t fit into any stereotype, not even remotely, and I think it kind of freaks people out. They don’t know how to read me or what to do with me. I often find myself wondering what it is about me that is so hard to fit into a category… Is it that I seem so well-traveled to so many people, and yet I am happier in a small town in the middle of nowhere than I am in the big city? Is it that I enjoy wearing suits and knee-high boots as well as clunky-hippie jewelry and peasant blouses? Is it that I study international politics and have rubbed shoulders with diplomats but I can also be found dancing to bluegrass music on the weekends? Is it that I love shoes and make-up and jewelry, but have no qualms about rolling around in mud and smelling like horse for weeks on end?

I guess one thing that I like about myself is my adaptability… my ability to be at home anywhere and with anyone. I am just as comfortable sipping wine and debating foreign relations with the former ambassador of Britain to Jordan as I am pounding beers with football fans as I am hippie-dancing at outdoor music/Pagan festivals as I am hanging out in a rundown redneck town. I can get what I want from National Park Service personnel as well as managers of CRM companies as well as professors as well as bar owners as well as people in biker bars. When I first showed up at NPCA for my interview, I wore a fitted suit, very professional, and I usually dress well for work. Dress-casual. My co-workers’ first impression of me was that I was a liberal, but a conservative one, that I was someone who drank fine wines and went to the opera and must have lived in Europe in a fancy flat and worked in offices, not the outdoors. Then I mentioned one day that I spent all night hippie-dancing at a club downtown known for its bluegrass dance tunes, and now they have the impression that I am granola and ultra-liberal, that I love coffee-shops and only eat organic food. People learn that I am well-traveled and immediately translate that to “cosmopolitan” and assume that I would be unhappy anywhere but in a big, international city; I am questioned a lot about how nobody thinks I could find fulfillment in a small town.

But the reality is, I’m none of that, and yet all of it. I can move and change and switch tactics. I can be a flaming liberal at times, and then suddenly change direction and see the world from a Republican viewpoint (drives my mom NUTS!). I’m not afraid to spend days at a time unwashed for the sake of a great outdoor concert or adventure, but I prefer to shower frequently. I will always wear uncomfortable shoes because I like the way they look on me, but I love being barefoot. I love my professional look, but won’t blink twice at the chance to wear something summery and hippie. I love my flowy summer dresses but will jump at the chance to wear something slinky and super-classy. Yes, I have traveled, but I have lived in youth hostels and 300 sq. ft apartments that I shared, and in tents and in cars and even in an army barracks with 15 of my closest buddies and open showers, and in a 2-room flat in a poor neighborhood that I shared with four other people and in which I slept on the couch. Not exactly cosmopolitan, eh? I can Ballroom dance in a cocktail dress, I can Latin dance in a slinky outfit, I can line dance in tight jeans and a cowboy hat, I can hippie dance in a peasant skirt and tank top, and I can look natural doing all four. I want a big wedding and a white dress, but I don’t want the wedding to be in any way formal. I can identify a good Shiraz but I can also pound Bud Lights at a baseball game. I can argue foreign policy and talk WB Yeats with the same breath I use to laugh at blond jokes and Family Guy.

Are any of these things any more me than any other?

On some level, I understand that though I’ve spent years searching for somewhere to belong, part of who I am is that perhaps I don’t belong anywhere. On another level, though, it sometimes bothers me that, because I don’t fit anywhere, nobody seems to know what to do with me, how to talk to me, what to think about me… I tend to receive uncomfortable glances, blank stares, awkward pauses and a great deal of well-meaning but ill-placed advice from those who try to fit me in somewhere comfortable and well-defined. Sometimes I just want people to know that I’m not as liberal or as conservative or as confident or as insecure or as worldly or as ignorant or as naïve or as cosmopolitan or as politically-minded or as apathetic or as motivated or as lazy as they think I am...